Wouldn’t it be nice if loving one another came with a set of directions, at the very least a manual with a headline exclaiming: “THIS is What Love Is!”? And, if only we could fully decipher the actual feelings experienced with that image, it could be so much easier to emulate. What’s interesting to me is how images of what love looks like is depicted in magazines, or on television and movie screens, and how we make attempts to replicate that look of love only to find out that it’s not as easy as it seems, and we end up being disappointed and hurt; and even worse, we end up hurting someone else. Because life does not come with a set of directions, our attempts to love are by trial and error from our experiences, most of which is acted upon based on what we have been taught.
As humans, we are born into a world where we open our eyes to see and breathe in the air as we grasp life for the first time outside of the womb. In that waking moment, a way of life we are to adopt is introduced by those who bear and raise us. We are taught a version of love, their version; most times there is no explanation, it’s simply an action with an empty justification, like: “I am doing this because I love you,” or, “That is not how you treat people you love.” Rarely do we receive instruction about what love is. And if this is how most of us learn about love, it’s no wonder how convoluted the meaning, never mind how disparate our theories of love become.
Despite the confusion, what makes this whole practice of love so amazing, is that we choose to try again and again. We make attempts and sometimes it works out, and everyone is much happier for it. This is motivating! So much so that when we see people are living a life filled with love, we are encouraged to continue trying to perfect our approach. We become inspired! Inspired to find ways to refine our habits of how we treat ourselves, how we allow others to treat us, and more importantly, how we treat others. We are inspired to be more kind, patient and use grace when appropriate.
But, because we are human, and there is no clear direction of how to love, we tend to make mistakes; meaning sometimes we express ourselves using words that may come across incorrectly, and we end up disappointing, offending, and even hurting someone who opened their heart to love us despite our inadequacies. Sometimes we end up pushing the people we love away. And we end up disappointing ourselves or hurting our own feelings.
Over the last several years, we may have experienced a deterioration in some relationships— maybe the withering of those relationships started over religious or political comments made on social media, or offensive intentions were made towards people of color, nationality, sexual orientation, etc. which ultimately highlights the character of each one of us. All of it can be misconstrued, for sure, but for some people, our comments may be received with personal affect— one that could result in a complete break-up.
This year has been an especially difficult time to maintain a human connection, literally! With the contagion of this pandemic being so grand, we have had to limit the people we integrate with. And when we do, it is six feet apart, with a mask on our face, and no touching. We have found ourselves making a choice to self-isolate, or being mindful enough to wear a mask when going out and about, and abiding by the guidelines provided by experts to help prevent getting COVID. Of those who have been struck, many have resulted in having permanent health effects, or worse— death.
So if there’s one thing we have realized, it is that life is too short and relationships matter. Love matters. And suddenly we find ourselves wondering how we allowed our relationships to wither like a summer flower before the end of its season. When we lose someone we love, it hurts.
And we may ask, how do we heal?
In our second blog, Does Love Die, we dive into ways to replenish our heart and soul. In light of our country having a revived opportunity to move forward, the three ways we discussed in that blog are relevant, even more so today:
Accept that it’s not about you… until it is
Internalize and Redefine
For this week, let’s focus on the first: accept that it’s not about you… until it is; specifically, let’s focus on the accepting part. To accept something, according to Oxford Languages, means to believe or come to recognize (an opinion, explanation, etc.) as valid or correct; as well, to take upon oneself (a responsibility or liability); to acknowledge. To take responsibility for our part in a broken relationship is an important step towards healing. When we choose to love someone, we do so understanding that it is not a one-sided affair, which means that we each play a valuable role in maintaining a happy relationship. When we accept our personal responsibility, our part, in our relationships, we owe it to them to give our personal best by choosing to be kind, honest, patient, considerate, graceful, understanding and loving. We should accept the person we love for who they are, or aren’t. And when either falters, then we should accept our mistake, and apologize with absolute sincerity, trusting that the person we may have hurt will accept our humble state of apologizing.
Sometimes it’s not easy to apologize, mostly because sometimes our egos get in the way or we are not sure what kind of reaction we will receive. I remember a time when I apologized to a childhood friend that I came across in my adult life, for something stupid I had done when I was in the fifth grade. She didn’t accept the apology and in fact made me feel embarrassed about the apology; I felt humiliated. While I find that moment amusing now, I realized something— we were never friends. And that is important to accept also for the sake of healing.
Sometimes you spend valuable time thinking about and loving people who will never love you in the same regard. If you make an attempt to apologize, and it’s not accepted, or forgiven, then you have done your part. You have accepted your role in breaking a relationship and now you can walk away with a clear conscience. It may hurt, but accept the truth of the relationship, and move forward.
The reason acceptance is so important in healing is that it allows you take personal responsibility for the role you have played in the relationship. Not one of us is perfect, and we each make mistakes. If we can each accept that we are not infallible, then we can find the courage to apologize. More importantly, we can find the strength to accept the apology, and because of love, we are able to forgive, and move forward.
And, then, love wins— again!