Over the weekend a friend of mine called to tell me about an Ani DiFranco song she heard over satellite radio and how it made her slip into a state of reverie of a time long past. The song took her back to a time when she and I took one year off from the life we knew and moved across the country from San Diego, California to live in Asheville, North Carolina. There, we both found jobs; I worked selling advertising in the region as I thought this would be a great way to explore the cute Appalachian towns, the people, and drink up the vibrant culture like a child with her first taste of sweetened tea; I couldn’t get enough. She worked in one of the local hospitals as a clinical pharmacist. At the time, we were in our early to mid-thirties and on a journey of self-discovery of who we were becoming as women.
It was Autumn of our one-year sabbatical, November, that Ani DiFranco was playing at the colosseum in downtown Asheville. We went to watch her perform and every song she sung was amazing. As my friend was recalling this time-slice of our past, I slipped into a state of reverie as well. Thoughts of walking the hilly streets of downtown to get to know my new place of residence, en route to meeting new friends, hearing the echo from the drum circles on street corners— sitting on the patio at the Grove Park Inn, sipping tasty cocktails, and being mesmerized by the Blue Ridge Mountains that surround this adorable town now danced around my mind.
What I remember most is being addressed as “girl,” such as, “Hey, girl...” At the time, it was a perfect simple identifier of who I was because the life I was experiencing at the time was so new, the trail was fresh, and I walked along that path with footsteps of naïveté.
If you’ve not adventured to Asheville, it is a great place to see live music and it’s a really great place to live. The people are amazing! At the time I moved there, it was labeled as an outdoor mecca— so many trails to explore. Also, in the Fall of that year my new friend and her husband took us to hike up Cold Mountain; a nine hour hike, in-and-out. Thirteen years later, we are still great friends— What a fun time living in Asheville was, such a beautiful memory…
like verses to one of the many songs my heart sings.
Sometimes we feel the need to retreat to a place, a memory, where we once felt happy, carefree and safe, even if it is just to remember what that feeling of being happy was like. The fact of the matter is however, a place is just a place. Even if you were to go back today and repeat the experience in the same exact way; yes the place would still be there, it could still make you happy, but there would be something missing— the same time from where you were in your life at that moment. And you would realize, it's not the same.
To try to go back to that one moment, a time before you evolved, is like trying to snip the wings of a butterfly, and have it squiggle across the ground as a caterpillar. Unless you have discovered a way to remain the very same person from years before: same look; same thoughts; same feelings; same priorities; no environmental changes; the moment is gone. The caterpillar dissolved in the cocoon, and morphed into a brilliant butterfly, flying freely and gracefully; showcasing her beauty for everyone to see.
Over time, and as we grow older, we make decisions to enhance our career, get married or unmarried, have children or none of the above— maybe, for whatever reason, your choice is to stay single. We make decisions to change our residence if necessary, maybe even build relationships with completely different types of people that align with our new priorities and lifestyle. And with a new way of thinking, we alter our course of action towards the betterment of ourselves. Our choices, our compromises, our decisions lead us onto a path we trailblaze on our own. We evolve into different people along the way; hopefully, more mature. We may find that certain friendships have waned, while some have strengthened, and new ones have been formed. Our wants in life are now at a different level— our understanding, at a higher plane. And from here, going backwards would be detrimental to our personal evolution.
But you can remember the moment, and revisit the experience with those who were with you. You can still love everything about that time: the place, the people, the experience — it is the many remembrances of life you collect, like unbroken sand dollars hidden in wet sand, that make your life feel abundant and rich! Steps toward the person you are today. It is these experiences that tell a story, your story, mine; memories are the sweet melody’s that make up the songs of our story, like wind chimes ringing in the wind. The way you feel, the life you remember, all that is a part of your sweet reverie, is like the verses to the many songs that accompany, and enhance, your story.
The song, your heart remembers; the important verses of the song, it sings.
While 2020 may not have been our best year, it was an experience in and of itself. Here, we had an opportunity to build upon relationships from the comfort of home. When we look back at this time, we’ll remember that going out in public meant having to wear masks and keeping ourselves at a safe distance from others. We’ll also remember the protests, the civil unrest, and the most critical presidential election of our lifetime. And more importantly, we will remember how we thought and felt about this unprecedented dash of time. We’ll remember the people we lost, either because of COVID, or because the relationship was not strong enough to endure the separation. And, we will remember the people who stayed.
This year is also unlike any other time I have had the pleasure of attempting to understand. This life of self-isolation I am experiencing is so new for me, just like the time I took a year to live in Asheville, a place I knew nothing about. This year, every choice, every decision, every step again trods along a fresh path with footsteps of a new type of naïveté. While the attempts at attaining the wants of my heart have been put on pause, it has given me an opportunity to revisit my list and mark off the ones that are no longer relevant, because you see, this pandemic has redefined my desires; altered the tune of the songs I sing. And my eyes see this life of mine from a different perspective. And, it brings me hope.
While personally, life during this still moment has been somewhat lonely at times, it has also been a productive time. Living in the house I call home, I have been able to see the blessings that surround me. I find that at the end of the day, all my basic needs are met, and that makes me feel grateful and humble.
So as we think about this year, the year of the great global shut-down, we may have forgotten how it feels to be happy. We may find ourselves daydreaming, hoping, and maybe even fighting for the dreams we wished this year would have been filled with; or even for the life we once had. Though, I have no idea what 2021 will bring, I feel as if I am better prepared to face it thanks to the harried span of 2020. My heart will never forget this song, nor will I forget the lines that compose the verses… the words composing the story.
When it is again safe to sojourn with the winds of time, I suspect it will be on a new trail I will forge, because the old trail has ended, and has led me to wait here, on the cliff of happenstance overlooking a life to which I will not be able to return. Like the butterfly, I cannot go back to being a caterpillar.
But, my heart will always remember the songs that make up the entirety of my life.
And that makes me feel at peace.
What are the verses composing the song your heart will sing? Will the verse lines be of positive affirmation of how you made strides despite the setback, or regret, because you were fighting for a time long gone?
Fortunately, there is still time this year to perfect the verses of your song, to get in step with the new tune. And whatever the lyrics, the song is your own, and your heart will remember.