A few years ago, I read a quote by author Anais Nin and it changed my perspective on what we call love:
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
At the time, I was pontificating relationship failures, both romantic and platonic. My mind rummaged over why we feel the need to cut people from our lives when we feel hurt by them, or offended by their personal opinions, especially after expressing love for them. I wondered, does love die? And if it is so easy to stop loving someone, did we actually love them to start?
Love, I was taught, is endless. So when a relationship changes course and we go our separate ways, why do we feel compelled to stop loving that person? Why do we deliberately become unkind just to show we no longer care; to cut the cord, so to speak? Can we not continue our journey apart, with feelings and sentiments of love, happiness, and prosperity for someone once called friend— someone whose existence was a great influence in our personal growth? Love should not be conditional, or so I was raised to believe.
If there is one thing we all have in common, it is that we each experience and understand love that is uniquely our own, whether it is in our personal relationship with our parents, our siblings, our friendships, or our romantic interludes. We give love in the way we know and in the way we’ve been shown. And when that love is not returned in the same light, it is like a stab in the heart where the nib of the cutting sword remains stuck in the depths of our soul. The hurt is personal; inconsolable. And if we do not find a way to heal the cut, and replenish the source, we carry that pain with us into the next relationship, and into the next; which could lead us into a toxic cycle of mistrust, misplaced anger, aggression, and bias— eventually into a bitter, hateful repose.
So, how do we avoid that? And, what does it mean to replenish the source? At our corner of peace and love, we believe there are three ways you can replenish your source:
Accept that it’s not about you
When someone you love treats you in a way that conflicts with your understanding of what love is, accept that it’s not about you, but rather it’s about how that person understands and perceives love. Accept that your version of love may not be the same. Assess the love you are receiving, communicate the differences, and together, see if you can find a way to make love work for both of you. If there can be no mutual compromise, accept that it’s okay to let a relationship end, because forcing a relationship to go a distance that it simply can’t is what leads to toxic behavior, angry feelings, loneliness, and unhappiness. From the second we are born, a certain way of loving is introduced by those who bear and raise us. We are taught a version of love, most times with no explanation. It’s simply an action with an empty justification, like: “I am doing this because I love you,” or, “That is not how you treat people you love.” Rarely do we receive instruction about what love is. And if this is how most of us learn about love, it’s no wonder how convoluted the meaning is, never mind how disparate our theories of love become. Regardless of the difference, what we know and understand about love is how we were shown through action, how we were taught, which becomes the source; right or wrong. It is from that source where we derive our notion of love, it is this love that pours out of our heart, into our mind, into how we behave, and how we project that love - be it through our actions or our words - that may ultimately impact another person’s heart. And when different versions of what love is leaves you in pain, then the best way to show yourself some love, is to let them go, wish them well, and say good-bye, even if the good-bye creates a feeling of sadness. You don’t have to stop loving them, rather, because you love them, and because you love yourself, you accept it’s not about you not being worthy. Rather, it’s about learning how to become and know the best part of you, and living a life of peace.
Find it in your heart to forgive
Forgiveness is hard. When we are hurt by another person, the anguish is like a constant yank of the soul; the wound, the pain, the memories run deep. When we enter into a relationship, we allow that person to get close as we open our hearts. We share private tidbits of what makes us unique. We give, and at times we give everything, in the spirit of love. When that person does not know how to return it, sometimes they use cutting words that slash our character. Other times, they say or do nothing, instead they ghost. I’m not sure which one is worse; cutting words, or ghosting. Both leave you with thoughts racing down unnecessary corridors of your mind and a feeling it might have been some negative quality of yours. Both actions force you to rationalize the time spent, the feelings, the memories; was any of it real? A part of you feels humiliated, possibly questioning love. And that is hard to forgive. But to move forward — we remember we were all taught differently how to love. So perhaps we can release the pain and try to feel a moment of gratitude for the shared experience, the lesson learned, and its contribution to our evolution of who we are really supposed to be. We meet people at the right time for a reason, even if it is seemingly negative. So finding that moment of gratitude and appreciating the moments, can help you to forgive, even without apology. And when you forgive, you replenish the source; your source.
Internalize and Redefine
Love is not always lavender fields and chamomile tea. Reality wakes us up to seeing that it is not what movies will have us believing it is. And we’ve established everyone is taught a different version of love. At our corner, we believe the reason rests around the concept of love being the least understood. How do we teach something we all attempt to understand? We watch romantic movies, read self-help books, or love stories; we observe our family members and our friends; we internalize and think, “that is the kind of relationship I want...” However, if you talk with your family and friends who are in a committed relationship, every single one of them will tell you loving someone is much harder than they originally considered. They may even say, “No one told me marriage would be this hard.” And this is just one type of love. What about the love parents have for their children? What about the love we have for our friends, colleagues, our neighbors or even our communities? We are all born and living together in this world. While we may be different, we all need and desire love, so it’s up to us to decide what love is for us individually, and to then seek and keep those in our life that matches our idea of what that love is.
Love is not easy to master, especially when it feels like there is so much hate and anger in the world right now. But it is worth the time. As a society, we need to find a way to breathe in the same air without choking the other out because of differences in lifestyle or opinion. Yet, before we fix society, let us start with ourselves. We all make a choice to be the person we observe when looking in the mirror; the person we present to others. Who is that person?
Is your source of love in need of being replenished? If so, join me— let’s take a moment to redefine our concept of what love is. Look at every beautiful piece of you, inside and out… and see what makes you unique and happy; and what gives you a sense of peace? What does love mean to you and what kind of love will you give others?
Don’t let love die. Replenish the source.
peace.
R.